Business Travel 2: Staying Close to the Kids When You’re on the Road

Last week, I wrote about the unforeseen challenges of traveling for business. As a divorced parent with primary responsibility for raising my daughter The Bean, I underestimated the impact of my being away for a multi-day business trip. After taking a post-travel guilt trip, I’m back and doing what I do best: Research, research, research.

First, I turned to what’s widely considered a classic for co-parents, Mom’s House, Dad’s House” by Isolina Ricci, PhD. Although Ricci doesn’t touch on travel specifically in this ultra-handy manual for divorced co-parents, she does a fine job outlining how kids and parents who are separated can feel close when they’re far apart.

One suggestion that I really like, and will employ on my very next trip away from home is the “Thinking-of-You Box,” which Ricci describes as little things that you give your child when you reunite. Special pictures, pressed flowers from a particularly colorful place, a small piece of driftwood and the like are “concrete, retouchable, re-readable evidence of caring” for kids Ricci says.

Technology provides ample means of keeping in touch, and email, or even short, handwritten letters with lots of pictures sent by snail-mail are especially good for young children, “who are enthralled with having their very own mail coming to the door.” She suggests photos, postcards and stickers for small children who can’t yet read on their own. For older children, e-mail is a great way to maintain daily contact, to share your own experiences of the day and to tune into their daily happenings at home – even comparing notes on sports or TV shows that you know they normally watch.

The next bit of technology could really be a help to kids and parents who are separated by distance for business or other reasons, so I’ll be doing some homework on Skype. For those of you living under rocks, it’s an online service that allows users to talk, chat or make free video calls over the Internet. I’m not so sure how The Bean’s dad will feel about the sight of my lovely visage beaming into his computer, but I have a feeling he’ll hear me out on this, to prevent tearful bedtimes when I have to be on the road, and vice versa. Video tuck-in service, coming right up!

This Just In: Stable Post-Divorce Families Help Minimize Long-Term Harm to Children

Just picked this up from yesterday's Science Daily, and it's so encouraging to me that I wanted to pass it along. Below, you'll find my own blog entry, which deals with -- surprise -- keeping things stable!

After Divorce, Stable Families Help Minimize Long-term Harm To Children

ScienceDaily (2008-05-08) -- For children of divorce, what happens after their parents split up may be just as important to their long-term well-being as the divorce itself. A new study found that children who lived in unstable family situations after their parents divorced fared much worse as adults on a variety of measures compared to children who had stable post-divorce family situations. ... > read full article

Business Travel: Cue the Guilt

I’m just back from a business trip, and am up to my ears in email and dirty laundry. And guilt.

My daughter’s dad and I have had plenty of practice at the fine art of negotiating schedule changes as coparents due to business travel. Usually, he’s been the one who needs to travel most, and I’m all too happy to get some extra parenting time with The Bean. To his credit, her dad’s been pretty sensitive to our daughter’s need for equal parenting time with both of us, and so he does a good job of making up lost time -- and keeping her life stable -- with extra days on the end of a weekend, or in some other fashion that keeps her schedule smooth and as seamless as possible. My husband “H” is a big road warrior, too, so it’s often just me and The Bean at home together. I tend to be the one with the more predictable, stable schedule.

This time, however, it was my turn to be on the road. Her dad and I ironed out everything from arranging alternative transportation to spotlighting Girl Scout meeting times in advance, and memorialized the changes in writing. I optimized my cell phone so I’d have good service abroad, and told The Bean and her dad to expect a call on certain evenings. I briefed The Bean on any changes to her schedule, and explained that although that it might be iffy for me to get through on occasion, I would certainly call. Everybody seemed to be cool about the plan.

Ha. So much for the best-laid plans. I had difficulty in calling her as often as I wanted to, becuause being at sea put a crimp in my ability to reach out and touch someone. When we spoke on the phone, she seemed downright chirpy, but then when I came home, another story emerged.

My absence took a bit of a toll on The Bean. She told me she’d done a fair amount of weeping before bed at night because she “missed me so much.” There was a lot of clinging and hugging, and there were some funky mood swings, too, in the days after we finally reconnected. I imagine that kids whose married parents travel also go through this but...this is my kid and I want her to feel good, dammit! She’s ok now, but she definitely went into Mommy Withdrawal. Cue the guilt! Cue the hair shirt! Am I overreacting? I’d sure like to do a better job next time.

Next week, though, I’ll do some homework. Obviously, I need to upgrade my skills to learn how to better navigate these waters. Oh, and there will be self-flagellation...talk about earning your stripes!